Really?

"Don't take this the wrong way, Mom, but we are more scared of Dad than we are of you."

Savvy, age 7

Priorities

"Brooke, are you ready to take a nap?" I asked.  "Yes," she replied, "but first I have to put my finger in my nose."

Age 3

Wass

"My teacher told me about a swear word that's another word for a donkey," Savvy said.

"Oh really?  What was the word she told you?"

"She said it's a 'wass'.  Is that a swear word?"

"Not really," I answered.  "The real swear word is a word for a donkey, but it's spelled A-S-S.  And I better not ever hear you say it."

So Riley says, "Ass, huh?  Why is that a swear word?  Oh, wait.  Donkey ... oh ... no, wait.  I don't get it."

I sigh, hating this conversation and the need for it, but continue.  "People use that word to mean 'butt', but just in a not nice way."

"Oh, I get it now," Riley said.  "Donkey, butt ... wait, no, I don't understand."


"You know," Savvy explained.  "A butt stinks just like a donkey, so that's why."

 

Brooke's Prayer

"Thank you, God, for my food.  And thank you for my dogs and cats.  And the pink cat.  And the Doodlebops.  Amen."

Age 3

Hungry

"Mom, I'm hungry.  Can we turn on the tv?"

Riley, age 9

After Naptime

"Mom, can I get a tattoo after my naptime?"

Brooke, age 3

Anatomy of a Mermaid

I'm rocking Isaac, feeding him his nighttime bottle of milk and Jesse is in the bathroom giving Brooke her bath.  This is what I hear:

"Brrr," Brooke said.

"Why you saying brrr?  Mermaids don't get cold in the water," Jesse replies.  Then Brooke stood, and Jesse said, "How are you standing up, Mermaid?  Mermaids can't stand up with a tail."  (I can't see this, but Jesse told me that she sat back down in the tub and did her best "Ariel on the Rock" impersonation.)  "Mermaids are like this," she said.

Then he got her out of the tub, and she was saying Brrrr again.  "Mermaids don't wear clothes.  They're butt naked," Jesse informed her.  Then I hear Riley pipe up, "Mermaids wear tails and bras.  They're not butt naked.  And they don't have butts."

"They do have butts.  How do you think they poop?" said Jesse.  Riley replied, "Mermaids don't poop.  They just eat, and eat, and eat and it just disappears."

And then a voice from the girls' bedroom belonging to Savvy says, exasperated, "Mermaids don't exist."

"You've seen your fish poop, right?  Mermaids poop just like your fish," Jesse explained.  Then Brooke says, "I'm not a mermaid.  I have a bum hole.  See?"  And then bends over.

Lost

"Hey Mom, have you seen my ninja stuff?"

Brooke, age 3

Advice on Bowling

"Mom, just put the ball where it needs to go to make a strike.  Easy."

Savvy, age 7

Savvy's Santa List

Translated list:

1. Soft toy angel
2. X-Box 360
3. American (Girl) twins
4. Soft toy mouse
5. Soft toy bear
6. Real kittens
7. Real crabs

I think the last one is my favorite.  :)

Privacy

This is what I heard when I walked past the bathroom door, while Riley was taking a shower:

"Man, why is the press here?  Can't they just give me some privacy?  Sheesh."



Age 9

Zombies

Brooke:  "I wanna meet a zombie, Mama!  Zombies are fun!"

Riley:  "NO!  Zombies are not fun.  They cut off your head ... wait, first they grow out their fingernails really long, and THEN they slice around your skull.  Then they eat the brains and stitch your head back together.  And after that, they cut off your head and eat your head.  And then spit it out and stitch it back to your body.  No, Brooke, you DO NOT want to meet a zombie."


Brooke:  "Yes, I don't."

Giving

Me:  "Give that back to your brother, Brooke."

Brooke:  "Don't worry, Mama.  He likes to give things to me."



Age 3

Bum Oil

"Mama!!  What is that nasty stuff?"

I was pouring the used vegetable oil from my FryDaddy into a jar -- because frankly, I have no idea what to do with used oil.  But that's beside the point.

 I replied, "It's used oil, baby."

"It stinks!"

"Yep, that's why I'm getting rid of it."
 
"But, Mom, it smells like my bum."

Insert my guffaw here.  "No, sweetie, it doesn't.  That's not a nice thing to say."

So she huffs off.  She's good at huffing exits.  But I hear her say as she's walking into the dining room, "That stuff smells like my bum.  I hope it's not bum oil." 


Brooke, age 3

Real Estate

"So, Mom, what would you do if an apartment only costed $2?" Riley asked.

I replied, "I'd snap it right up."

"And if a house only costed $3, would you buy that?"

"Yes, absolutely.  Why do you ask?  Is it like that in Rileyworld?"

"Naw, I already own a big house there.  I don't need to buy any more."

Poor Precious

This poor goldfish has a problem with its digestion sometimes.  Forgive me, Fish, but I just had to take the picture.

"Ouch!"

Genius

"Mom!!  Isaac is standing up in Brooke's chair!"  

Yes, he was.  A little fold-up Cars papasan chair that is the bane of my existence lately.

"Who left it like that?  You know it's not supposed to be out when Isaac's awake," I reminded them.

Of course, Brooke and Savvy immediately denied any part of it.  And Riley too.  Only Riley yelled, "Well I know I didn't do it.  I can't even work Velcro shoes."

The Butter Thief

I've lost count, because I didn't snap pics each time it happened.  But I think this is the sixth time that Brooke has raided the butter in the refrigerator.  Bottom picture is the first time it happened.  Top pic is this morning's latest discovery.  It appears that the Butter Thief is escalating. 

The Joke's on Me

A conversation with Savvy on the way home from grocery shopping:

Savvy:  "Mom, wanna hear a joke?"

Me:  "Sure."

Savvy:  "Okay.  Why is Rudolph's nose red?"

Me:  "I don't know, why is it red?"

Savvy:  "Cause Vixon punched him in the nose."

Me:  "Ha!"  (Hey, it's a kid.  You always laugh at the jokes, no matter if they make no sense.) 

Savvy:  "Don't laugh!" (in an indignant voice)

Me:  "Why not?"

Savvy:  "Cause it's not funny."

Me:  "Well, why did you tell me a not funny joke?"

Savvy:  "That's the point.  It was in this Christmas joke book.  How did it get in the joke book?  It's not funny at all.  You shouldn't laugh at stuff that's not funny.  That's a lesson."

How To Get a Remote Control

1. Find remote control basket.
2. Realize it's out of reach.
3. Dump laundry basket and turn it upside down.
4. Stand on laundry basket.
5. Climb up on chair.
6. Reach remote control.

Mission Accomplished.

EEE-diot

"Mom, I'm ob-eee-dient if I obey.  EEE-diots do not obey.  Right, mama?"

Brooke, age 3

T-R-O-U-B-L-E

The things The Boy gets into ...

Good Job Spankin'!

Sadly, Jesse had to swat Savvy's bottom for being disobedient.  Immediately thereafter, Brooke begins to jump up and down and clap her hands, exclaiming, "Good job, Daddy!  Good job!  Great spanking, Daddy!"

Age 3

Top Ten To Do List

Found this jewel stuffed in the cushions of the couch.  Still trying to figure out who "Brandon" is.

Riley, age 9

How To Be Jewish

December 7, 2010

"Mom, we should make a menorah to celebrate Hanukkah. We were born in Texas and there are lots of Mexicans in Texas, so that makes me mostly Jewish." 

Savvy, age 7

Painting the Walls

November 20, 2010

So I'm painting the wall (again) in the dining room and Brooke says, "Mom, I don't think Daddy will be happy with you painting. He's gonna pat you and then spank you. And then he'll talk to you, and then tell you to shut up. You better stop painting on the walls Momma."

Age 3

Iron Man

November 16, 2010

Last night Brooke touched the hot iron and burned her little hand. Today I was ironing and asked, "So, Brooke, are you going to touch the hot iron again?" She responded, "Yes. Because I'm Iron Man.

Age 3

What's Wrong with this Picture?

Turned around and saw this sitting on the entertainment center:

From the Queen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Dear Royal Court, I, the queen, demand for less chores. I hate hate hate them. I shall make a law against chores. Nowone in the kingdom shall make me have chores exept that I not have chores. They will! She said sweetly! To: Mom"

 

Riley, age 9

Poor Ball Player

November 7, 2010

Brooke was watching football and said, "Mom! That baseball player crashed and he got a big bleed. That's a big deal." She had a most serious expression on her face.

Age 3

Potty Time with Brooke

I don't have to tell parents with small children about the joys of potty training.  A conversation with Thing 3 while she's sitting on the toilet:

August 9, 2010

"Good job, Brookie," I said. "You're going poop!"

"Yay, I did it! I done," Brooke replied.

"Now, you need to go pee-pee. Everyone goes pee-pee after they poop."

"No, I don't have to. Pee-pee isn't here."

So I cupped my hand around my ear and said, "Let's see if we hear pee-pee. Hmm, I don't hear pee-pee yet. Try again."

She gave me this irritated, exasperated look and said, "Ma, I TOLD YOU, pee-pee not here. Pee-pee is working. She's working on the computer. Pee-pee doesn't work with poo. I DONE!"

So, wiping commenced and she asked if she could flush the toilet. I told her to proceed.

And then she started wailing, "MO-ooom, I want poo-poo back. He's my friend."

The Potatoe Market

May 22, 2010

Typed as-is, without correction, just as the girl wrote it.

Once upon a time there was a couple of sweet potatoes. One was named Falicia Forget and the other Freddy Forget. The happy couple went for a wadle down the street. They were sielentley texting each other when they heard a sound kind of like a rucas. It was coming from the potatoe market. I wonder what it is. The potatoe couple zoomed over. As they entered the market a potatoe was break danceing in there. Then they started break danceing to. Then the celling fell off. It was the best day ever. THE END.

by Riley, age 8

If I Had a Pet Dinosaur

March 31, 2010

If I had a pet dinosaur the first thing I would do would be beg him to give me a dinosaur backride and if he didn't I would wip him with a bean bag. I would love him a lot. I would name him Z-gwankasourus. It would love that name! What would you name yours if you had one? I would also take him to an amusement park and a waterpark and a aquarium and all sorts of places!! I would love it so much that I could kiss it.


(Typed exactly as it appeared on the writing sheet ...)

by Riley, age 8

The Bear Story

January 9, 2010

**Note** This was typed verbatim without spelling or grammar corrections -- for all you Grammar Nazis out there!

Once upon a time their was a baby bear who was allways hungry. One day baby bear took his friend Sharlet out to dinner. After dinner baby bear went home to take a nap in his cozy cozy bed. Last night Poppa bear got soooo hungry he SCREAMED!!!! It woke every body up. Poppa bear had to move out. After that Poppa bear got maried to the queen of bears and the rest of the family got grumpy because their clothes were mediem sized. And the rest of the family became King Bear's servents.

The End

Conversation: Stinky Boys

January 23, 2009

We were all in the 'burb on the way to AWANAs the other night, and Savannah says, "Mom, Mason AND Lukas kissed me at school today. Jesse just shook his head, and I rolled my eyes.

"Savannah," I explained, "you don't need to let stinky boys kiss you. You're not old enough for that yet."

"But, MOM, I really like it," she replied. "I don't mind if I get boy cooties. I like boy cooties. Lukas can be my boyfriend." 

Age 5

On Cleaning ...

May 27, 2010

"Hey Mom, I clean the liffin [living] room fo you. Now vacuum. Da floor is a big mess!" 

Brooke, age 2

Corn Dog Sweat

May 26, 2010

"Mom! I have been sweating alllll day. But it reaallly smells good. Like corndogs."

Savannah, age 6

Party!

May 15, 2010

"Let's get this party STARTED!  Yeah!"  

Brooke, age 2

Lady Gaga

May 11, 2010

Every once in a while, Riley says something that makes sense: "Mom, you ever heard of Lady Gaga? She's COMPLETELY inappropriate. She walks around in her underwear showing her privates and she licks other people's tongues. I will NEVER listen to her music." 

Age 8

Shopping!

May 8, 2010

Brooke comes up to Jen at the neighbors' birthday party and asks, "Mom, can I have fifty dollars?" Jen laughs and says, "Sure," and hands her make-believe money.  Brooke waves and replies,  "Thanks, now I gonna go shopping!" 

Age 2

Science Fair Blues

May 5, 2010

"MOM!  I know why they want us to do science fair projects.  They just want us to LEARN something.  I thought it was supposed to be fun, but they just want us to learn.  That's not fair!" 

 
~Riley, 2nd grade, after completing her rainbow project

Baby Whales

May 2, 2010

"Baby killer whales may be the cutest things ever, but they aren't the safest."  

Savvy, age 6

Old Man and Aligonkey

April 9, 2010
 

Brooke to Jesse:  "Let me go, old man!"

*************************

"Ah!" Brooke screamed.  "It's a alligonkey!"
"What's an alligonkey?" I asked.  "It's a alligonkey," she replied.
"Well, what does an alligonkey look like?  What color is it?"
"It's a monster, Mama.  Like a robot.  Ah!!  Here comes the alligonkey!  It's like a robot monster.  Tip toe, Mama.  Shhhhh.  It's coming!  Ah!" 

Age 2

Tattletail

April 8, 2010
 

Savvy came running down the stairs, and in a voice a few octaves above normal exclaimed, "MO-OM!  Riley says I'm a big whiny tattletail!" 

Age 6

Cinderella is Sad

April 6, 2010
 

 "Ma, I sad," Brooke said.  "Why are you sad, darling?"  She sighed and said, "Because I lost my glass slippers."

Age 2

Two-Fer Quote Day

March 31, 2010

"Good Morning, Rock Star Mommy!"
 

Brooke, 2, standing at the gate on her bedroom door, first thing in the morning.

********************

Jen said, "Savvy, you're so bony!  Such a cute little scrawny kiddo."  She laughed, and then Riley asked, "Am I scrawny?  No, I guess I'm more like cuddly."

Mean Mama

March 30, 2010

 
Riley asks, "Mom, WHY do I have to clean?" I reply, "Because I'm a mean old mommy who is only here to make your life miserable." To which she says, "Well, you got the old part wrong, but the mean part right." 

Age 8

Brooke's First Notable

March 29, 2010

I go into my bedroom the other day and Brooke has found some stuff I had stored under my bed. Upon being discovered she quickly dropped all the stuff, stood up and said, "I sorry, Mama. I in your crap." 

Brooke, age 2

Jesse Wisdom

March 20, 2010

"Saying a piece of food is still clean within 5 seconds of being dropped on the floor is like saying toilet paper is still clean within 5 seconds of wiping your butt.  Don't think you should put either in your mouth." 

Jesse

What's For Dinner?

November 28, 2009

A conversation between Jen and Savannah.

Savannah: "What are you cooking for dinner, Mommy?"

Jen, sighing at the question asked every night with a whine: "Grilled armadillo and squash."

Savannah: "SQUASH?!"

Savvy, age 6

Getting Big

October 29, 2008

Jen asked Savannah, "Goodness, baby, when did you get so big?" Savannah answered, "October."

Savvy, age 5

Needy People

September 2008

Riley said, "Maybe we should put a jar in the house and put money in it every day for the needy people in the world. Well, except on the days we go shopping and stuff."

Riley, age 6

Steak and Taters

September 2008

"Mom, this sure is a manly meal," Riley said about the steak and potatoes at dinnertime. "Hey Dad, if you eat this, you'll be a manly man!"

Riley, age 6

Red Hot Chili Peppers

July 7, 2008

I took the kids outside to see our little baby chili peppers growing. They've been so fascinated with the whole process, from seed to big plant. As I was showing the girls the three new peppers, Savannah said, "Mom, I want to name them. How about we name them Flower, Coconut and George?"

Savvy, age 4

Colonial Dress Up

May 17, 2008

We went to Yorktown Victory Center today. While in the museum, we ran across a room where the kids could dress in colonial era clothing. I told the girls, "These are the kind of clothes that ladies wore during the Revolutionary War."

Riley replied, "So, was Shug alive then?"
 

Riley, age 6

Shug is my mother, their grandmother

Caesar Salad

March 20, 2008

"Mom, are you going to have a birthday cake for your birthday?" Riley said.
 

Jen replied, "Probably not, sweetie. But that's okay with me."
 

"Well," she said, "how about a birthday Caesar salad? I love Caesar salads!"

Riley, age 6

Annoying

March 1, 2008

Riley has a bad habit of making the same nerve-grating noises over and over and over again. One day, while riding in the back of the 'burb, she was merrily making her noise, and Savannah said, "Riley! Stop singing!" To which Riley replied:

"I'm not singing. I'm just trying to be annoying." 

Riley, age 6

Yummy Ducks

February 10, 2008

Savannah said, "Ducks are my favorite animals. I like them the best." Jesse asked, "Why do you like them the best?"
 

She answered, "Because they're yummy." 

Savvy, age 4

Truther

January 30, 2008

"Mom, Riley says that I'm a liar. I'm not! I'm a truther!"

Savvy, age 4

ESP

January 29, 2008

Riding home in the car, Riley said, "Hey Savannah. You know what I'm thinking?" Savannah replied, "Yes." 

Riley, 6

Savvy, 4

Make Believe

January 22, 2008

Savannah said, "Hey Daddy, let's play. You pretend to be a man."

Savvy, age 4

Sisterly Advice

November 20, 2007

"Savannah! Stop acting like an idiot! You're acting just like Dad!" 

Riley, age 6

Wearing Pants

September 2007

When we asked Savannah why she wanted to wear her day-time pants to bed she replied, "Because I like them, and sometimes, they keep me warm." 

Savvy, age 3

Emeril's Cooking

September 2007

Jen said to Riley, "Look, Emeril is cooking pizza tonight." She replied, "Good. He's finally cooking something that I like!" 

Riley, age 5

When I Get to College

July 17, 2007

Riley came in the bedroom where I was working on my handmade cards, and she said, "Mom, Savannah and I are moving. Three kids is going to be too much for you to handle." I laughed and said, "No, you can't move out until you're eighteen. Don't worry, I can handle it just fine."

She kind of cocked her head to the side and said, "I get to go to college when I'm eighteen ... and get my nose pierced."

Riley, age 5

Jen, pregnant with Thing 3

Missing Lap

June 24, 2007

At a local mexican food restaurant, Savannah kept popping up and down out of her chair. I told her she had two choices: to sit in her own chair, or to sit in my lap.

She calmly looked at me, and said, "Mom, you don't have a lap anymore."

(Savvy, age 3; Jen pregnant with Brooke)

Three Rules

June 18, 2007

Riley came in our room and asked Savannah, "Are there any rules for Mommy's room?" Savannah replied, "Yes. Rule #1: No turning on the lamp. Rule #2: No touching the computer. Rule #3: No touching the kangaroo."

Uh, kangaroo? Riley was speechless for about 10 seconds with a puzzled look on her face. Then she said, "Well, I don't know about kangaroos, Savannah." 

Riley age 5 and Savvy age 3

Sometimes Jesse pulls out a good one ...

June 5, 2007

"I haven't had too much time to think today, since stuff keeps popping up. It's like playing whack-a-mole, except it's not fun, and I don't get to hit things with a hammer." 

Jesse, during his second Iraq deployment

Convertible Wisdom

June 1, 2007

"When I'm a grown-up, and I get my kids, I'm going to get a conbertable ... you know, that's the kind of car where the top comes down ... and I'm going to put car seats in the back, and I'm going to spank my kids with a belt."

Savannah, age 3

(Note:  No belts were actually used in the discipline of the children.)

Irish

May 29, 2007

"Mom, where was I born?" Riley asked this morning. "In College Station, Texas," I replied. With an inquisitive look on her face she asked, "Does that mean I'm Irish?" 

Riley, age 5

Luck of the Riley

May 13, 2007

"I don't need luck ... I got skills!" 

Riley, age 5

Betrayal

April 29, 2007 

There were four little girls out in the backyard playing during our Bible study, and then the crying started. Savannah met me at the door, tears streaming down her face, and cried, "They were pretending to be my friends ... and then they killed my husband!"

Savvy, age 3

Cannibalism

April 11, 2007

"Savannah, it's not okay to eat people. Eating your family is not good either." 

Riley, age 5 (after Savvy bit my shoulder)

Great for the Ego

April 3, 2007

"Mom, why do you have two chins?"

Riley, age 5

Lessons on Eating

March 10, 2007

"Mom, I'm hungry," Savannah complained. I replied, "Eat the chicken nuggets that are right in front of you."

"No!" she yelled. "I don't want to eat food!"

Savvy, age 3

On Navigation ...

March 1, 2007

In order to avoid the line of cars dropping kids off at school one morning, I decided to cut across the street and head down the block that way, thinking I may avoid the long line. When the street ended in a cul-de-sac, I shrugged and told the girls, "Guess we'll just go back and get in line."

While we were waiting in line, Savannah exclaimed, "Mom, you just got us lost!"

To which Riley replied, "No, Savannah. Mom doesn't get us lost. Daddy is the one who has lost adventures. Not Mommy." 

Riley, age 5

Savvy, age 3

Blog Notes

At the time I begin this adventure, my oldest kiddo is 9 years old.  I've been writing down funny things the kids say for years.  Family and friends have read most of the archive stuff.  If you haven't, enjoy.

All quotes are entirely accurate.  I can't make this stuff up, folks.

At some point, someone said to me, "You need to write this stuff down."  So I did.  But, you'll see a gap.  This was a time that I was scrambling around trying to adjust to a baby in the house, either Thing 3 or Thing 4.  I truly regret not writing down the witticisms that flowed.  It's your loss, too.  Oh well.