"My teacher told me about a swear word that's another word for a donkey," Savvy said.
"Oh really? What was the word she told you?" "She said it's a 'wass'. Is that a swear word?"
"Not really," I answered. "The real swear word is a word for a donkey, but it's spelled A-S-S. And I better not ever hear you say it." So Riley says, "Ass, huh? Why is that a swear word? Oh, wait. Donkey ... oh ... no, wait. I don't get it."
I sigh, hating this conversation and the need for it, but continue. "People use that word to mean 'butt', but just in a not nice way." "Oh, I get it now," Riley said. "Donkey, butt ... wait, no, I don't understand."
"You know," Savvy explained. "A butt stinks just like a donkey, so that's why."
I'm rocking Isaac, feeding him his nighttime bottle of milk and Jesse is in the bathroom giving Brooke her bath. This is what I hear:
"Brrr," Brooke said.
"Why you saying brrr? Mermaids don't get cold in the water," Jesse replies. Then Brooke stood, and Jesse said, "How are you standing up, Mermaid? Mermaids can't stand up with a tail." (I can't see this, but Jesse told me that she sat back down in the tub and did her best "Ariel on the Rock" impersonation.) "Mermaids are like this," she said.
Then he got her out of the tub, and she was saying Brrrr again. "Mermaids don't wear clothes. They're butt naked," Jesse informed her. Then I hear Riley pipe up, "Mermaids wear tails and bras. They're not butt naked. And they don't have butts."
"They do have butts. How do you think they poop?" said Jesse. Riley replied, "Mermaids don't poop. They just eat, and eat, and eat and it just disappears."
And then a voice from the girls' bedroom belonging to Savvy says, exasperated, "Mermaids don't exist."
"You've seen your fish poop, right? Mermaids poop just like your fish," Jesse explained. Then Brooke says, "I'm not a mermaid. I have a bum hole. See?" And then bends over.
Brooke: "I wanna meet a zombie, Mama! Zombies are fun!"
Riley: "NO! Zombies are not fun. They cut off your head ... wait, first they grow out their fingernails really long, and THEN they slice around your skull. Then they eat the brains and stitch your head back together. And after that, they cut off your head and eat your head. And then spit it out and stitch it back to your body. No, Brooke, you DO NOT want to meet a zombie."
I've lost count, because I didn't snap pics each time it happened. But I think this is the sixth time that Brooke has raided the butter in the refrigerator. Bottom picture is the first time it happened. Top pic is this morning's latest discovery. It appears that the Butter Thief is escalating.
Sadly, Jesse had to swat Savvy's bottom for being disobedient. Immediately thereafter, Brooke begins to jump up and down and clap her hands, exclaiming, "Good job, Daddy! Good job! Great spanking, Daddy!"
So I'm painting the wall (again) in the dining room and Brooke says, "Mom, I don't think Daddy will be happy with you painting. He's gonna pat you and then spank you. And then he'll talk to you, and then tell you to shut up. You better stop painting on the walls Momma."
"Dear Royal Court, I, the queen, demand for less chores. I hate hate hate them. I shall make a law against chores. Nowone in the kingdom shall make me have chores exept that I not have chores. They will! She said sweetly! To: Mom"
Typed as-is, without correction, just as the girl wrote it.
Once upon a time there was a couple of sweet potatoes. One was named Falicia Forget and the other Freddy Forget. The happy couple went for a wadle down the street. They were sielentley texting each other when they heard a sound kind of like a rucas. It was coming from the potatoe market. I wonder what it is. The potatoe couple zoomed over. As they entered the market a potatoe was break danceing in there. Then they started break danceing to. Then the celling fell off. It was the best day ever. THE END.
If I had a pet dinosaur the first thing I would do would be beg him to give me a dinosaur backride and if he didn't I would wip him with a bean bag. I would love him a lot. I would name him Z-gwankasourus. It would love that name! What would you name yours if you had one? I would also take him to an amusement park and a waterpark and a aquarium and all sorts of places!! I would love it so much that I could kiss it.
(Typed exactly as it appeared on the writing sheet ...)
**Note** This was typed verbatim without spelling or grammar corrections -- for all you Grammar Nazis out there!
Once upon a time their was a baby bear who was allways hungry. One day baby bear took his friend Sharlet out to dinner. After dinner baby bear went home to take a nap in his cozy cozy bed. Last night Poppa bear got soooo hungry he SCREAMED!!!! It woke every body up. Poppa bear had to move out. After that Poppa bear got maried to the queen of bears and the rest of the family got grumpy because their clothes were mediem sized. And the rest of the family became King Bear's servents.
Every once in a while, Riley says something that makes sense: "Mom, you ever heard of Lady Gaga? She's COMPLETELY inappropriate. She walks around in her underwear showing her privates and she licks other people's tongues. I will NEVER listen to her music."
Brooke comes up to Jen at the neighbors' birthday party and asks, "Mom, can I have fifty dollars?" Jen laughs and says, "Sure," and hands her make-believe money. Brooke waves and replies, "Thanks, now I gonna go shopping!"
"Ah!" Brooke screamed. "It's a alligonkey!"
"What's an alligonkey?" I asked. "It's a alligonkey," she replied.
"Well, what does an alligonkey look like? What color is it?"
"It's a monster, Mama. Like a robot. Ah!! Here comes the alligonkey! It's like a robot monster. Tip toe, Mama. Shhhhh. It's coming! Ah!"
Riley asks, "Mom, WHY do I have to clean?" I reply, "Because I'm a mean old mommy who is only here to make your life miserable." To which she says, "Well, you got the old part wrong, but the mean part right."
I go into my bedroom the other day and Brooke has found some stuff I had stored under my bed. Upon being discovered she quickly dropped all the stuff, stood up and said, "I sorry, Mama. I in your crap."
"Saying a piece of food is still clean within 5 seconds of being dropped on the floor is like saying toilet paper is still clean within 5 seconds of wiping your butt. Don't think you should put either in your mouth."
I took the kids outside to see our little baby chili peppers growing. They've been so fascinated with the whole process, from seed to big plant. As I was showing the girls the three new peppers, Savannah said, "Mom, I want to name them. How about we name them Flower, Coconut and George?"
We went to Yorktown Victory Center today. While in the museum, we ran across a room where the kids could dress in colonial era clothing. I told the girls, "These are the kind of clothes that ladies wore during the Revolutionary War."
Riley has a bad habit of making the same nerve-grating noises over and over and over again. One day, while riding in the back of the 'burb, she was merrily making her noise, and Savannah said, "Riley! Stop singing!" To which Riley replied:
"I'm not singing. I'm just trying to be annoying."
Riley came in the bedroom where I was working on my handmade cards, and she said, "Mom, Savannah and I are moving. Three kids is going to be too much for you to handle." I laughed and said, "No, you can't move out until you're eighteen. Don't worry, I can handle it just fine."
She kind of cocked her head to the side and said, "I get to go to college when I'm eighteen ... and get my nose pierced."
Riley came in our room and asked Savannah, "Are there any rules for Mommy's room?" Savannah replied, "Yes. Rule #1: No turning on the lamp. Rule #2: No touching the computer. Rule #3: No touching the kangaroo."
Uh, kangaroo? Riley was speechless for about 10 seconds with a puzzled look on her face. Then she said, "Well, I don't know about kangaroos, Savannah."
"When I'm a grown-up, and I get my kids, I'm going to get a conbertable ... you know, that's the kind of car where the top comes down ... and I'm going to put car seats in the back, and I'm going to spank my kids with a belt."
Savannah, age 3
(Note: No belts were actually used in the discipline of the children.)
There were four little girls out in the backyard playing during our Bible study, and then the crying started. Savannah met me at the door, tears streaming down her face, and cried, "They were pretending to be my friends ... and then they killed my husband!"
In order to avoid the line of cars dropping kids off at school one morning, I decided to cut across the street and head down the block that way, thinking I may avoid the long line. When the street ended in a cul-de-sac, I shrugged and told the girls, "Guess we'll just go back and get in line."
While we were waiting in line, Savannah exclaimed, "Mom, you just got us lost!"
To which Riley replied, "No, Savannah. Mom doesn't get us lost. Daddy is the one who has lost adventures. Not Mommy."
At the time I begin this adventure, my oldest kiddo is 9 years old. I've been writing down funny things the kids say for years. Family and friends have read most of the archive stuff. If you haven't, enjoy.
All quotes are entirely accurate. I can't make this stuff up, folks.
At some point, someone said to me, "You need to write this stuff down." So I did. But, you'll see a gap. This was a time that I was scrambling around trying to adjust to a baby in the house, either Thing 3 or Thing 4. I truly regret not writing down the witticisms that flowed. It's your loss, too. Oh well.