Well, ForGIVE Me!

A conversation while walking to the library.




Savvy:  "Oh!  It's so hot!  Why does it have to be so hot?!"  (80 degrees in northern MN)


Riley:  "Well, forGIVE me for praying for it.  Guess it's my fault."


Savvy:  "Why'd you have to pray for it to be hot?  What were you thinking?"

Cold and Punching

While rocking Isaac in the nursery, I overheard this conversation taking place in the bathroom:


Brooke:  "I'm COLD, Daddy!"


Jesse:  "It's good to be cold sometimes.  And sometimes, it's good to get punched in the face.  Sometimes it's good to eat a knuckle sandwich."




(It's at this point that I will remind you that we have NEVER punched our children in the face.  It is a long-standing joke, and one that our children understand as humorous since it will never happen.)

Fistful of Sunshine

For weeks we've been joking around with the kids, telling them we're gonna give 'em a fistful of sunshine.  You know, instead of a knuckle sandwich.  It's at this point that I MUST emphasize we do not punch our kids in the face.  Ever.  It's just a household joke.  Now that that's clear, I'll continue.  


So they'll be whining or what-have-you, and Jesse or I will say, "Watch out, or you'll get a fistful of sunshine in yo' face."  To which they normally laugh and forget whatever they're whining about.


At supper the other day, this was a conversation with our 3-yr old, Brooke ...

Cheerleader

Scene -- Brooke sitting on the potty

B:  "I'm done, Momma."
J:  "Good girl.  Let's wipe."
B:  "No Momma.  You gotta cheer for me."
J:  Sighs.  "Yay, Brooke."
B:  "Not like that, Momma.  Say, 'YAY BROOKE!'"
J:  "YAY BROOKE!"
B:  "Okay, now cheer some more.  Say, "Go Brookie, go Brookie!"
J:  Sighs again.  "Go, Brookie.  Go, Brookie!"
B:  Now sighing herself.  "Not like that, Momma.  Say:  GO BROOKIE, GO BROOKIE, GO!"
J:  "GO BROOKIE, GO BROOKIE, GO!"
B:  "Good job, Momma!  Now ... faster."

At this point I gave up and just wiped her butt.

Wass

"My teacher told me about a swear word that's another word for a donkey," Savvy said.

"Oh really?  What was the word she told you?"

"She said it's a 'wass'.  Is that a swear word?"

"Not really," I answered.  "The real swear word is a word for a donkey, but it's spelled A-S-S.  And I better not ever hear you say it."

So Riley says, "Ass, huh?  Why is that a swear word?  Oh, wait.  Donkey ... oh ... no, wait.  I don't get it."

I sigh, hating this conversation and the need for it, but continue.  "People use that word to mean 'butt', but just in a not nice way."

"Oh, I get it now," Riley said.  "Donkey, butt ... wait, no, I don't understand."


"You know," Savvy explained.  "A butt stinks just like a donkey, so that's why."

 

Anatomy of a Mermaid

I'm rocking Isaac, feeding him his nighttime bottle of milk and Jesse is in the bathroom giving Brooke her bath.  This is what I hear:

"Brrr," Brooke said.

"Why you saying brrr?  Mermaids don't get cold in the water," Jesse replies.  Then Brooke stood, and Jesse said, "How are you standing up, Mermaid?  Mermaids can't stand up with a tail."  (I can't see this, but Jesse told me that she sat back down in the tub and did her best "Ariel on the Rock" impersonation.)  "Mermaids are like this," she said.

Then he got her out of the tub, and she was saying Brrrr again.  "Mermaids don't wear clothes.  They're butt naked," Jesse informed her.  Then I hear Riley pipe up, "Mermaids wear tails and bras.  They're not butt naked.  And they don't have butts."

"They do have butts.  How do you think they poop?" said Jesse.  Riley replied, "Mermaids don't poop.  They just eat, and eat, and eat and it just disappears."

And then a voice from the girls' bedroom belonging to Savvy says, exasperated, "Mermaids don't exist."

"You've seen your fish poop, right?  Mermaids poop just like your fish," Jesse explained.  Then Brooke says, "I'm not a mermaid.  I have a bum hole.  See?"  And then bends over.

Bum Oil

"Mama!!  What is that nasty stuff?"

I was pouring the used vegetable oil from my FryDaddy into a jar -- because frankly, I have no idea what to do with used oil.  But that's beside the point.

 I replied, "It's used oil, baby."

"It stinks!"

"Yep, that's why I'm getting rid of it."
 
"But, Mom, it smells like my bum."

Insert my guffaw here.  "No, sweetie, it doesn't.  That's not a nice thing to say."

So she huffs off.  She's good at huffing exits.  But I hear her say as she's walking into the dining room, "That stuff smells like my bum.  I hope it's not bum oil." 


Brooke, age 3

Real Estate

"So, Mom, what would you do if an apartment only costed $2?" Riley asked.

I replied, "I'd snap it right up."

"And if a house only costed $3, would you buy that?"

"Yes, absolutely.  Why do you ask?  Is it like that in Rileyworld?"

"Naw, I already own a big house there.  I don't need to buy any more."

The Joke's on Me

A conversation with Savvy on the way home from grocery shopping:

Savvy:  "Mom, wanna hear a joke?"

Me:  "Sure."

Savvy:  "Okay.  Why is Rudolph's nose red?"

Me:  "I don't know, why is it red?"

Savvy:  "Cause Vixon punched him in the nose."

Me:  "Ha!"  (Hey, it's a kid.  You always laugh at the jokes, no matter if they make no sense.) 

Savvy:  "Don't laugh!" (in an indignant voice)

Me:  "Why not?"

Savvy:  "Cause it's not funny."

Me:  "Well, why did you tell me a not funny joke?"

Savvy:  "That's the point.  It was in this Christmas joke book.  How did it get in the joke book?  It's not funny at all.  You shouldn't laugh at stuff that's not funny.  That's a lesson."

Potty Time with Brooke

I don't have to tell parents with small children about the joys of potty training.  A conversation with Thing 3 while she's sitting on the toilet:

August 9, 2010

"Good job, Brookie," I said. "You're going poop!"

"Yay, I did it! I done," Brooke replied.

"Now, you need to go pee-pee. Everyone goes pee-pee after they poop."

"No, I don't have to. Pee-pee isn't here."

So I cupped my hand around my ear and said, "Let's see if we hear pee-pee. Hmm, I don't hear pee-pee yet. Try again."

She gave me this irritated, exasperated look and said, "Ma, I TOLD YOU, pee-pee not here. Pee-pee is working. She's working on the computer. Pee-pee doesn't work with poo. I DONE!"

So, wiping commenced and she asked if she could flush the toilet. I told her to proceed.

And then she started wailing, "MO-ooom, I want poo-poo back. He's my friend."

Conversation: Stinky Boys

January 23, 2009

We were all in the 'burb on the way to AWANAs the other night, and Savannah says, "Mom, Mason AND Lukas kissed me at school today. Jesse just shook his head, and I rolled my eyes.

"Savannah," I explained, "you don't need to let stinky boys kiss you. You're not old enough for that yet."

"But, MOM, I really like it," she replied. "I don't mind if I get boy cooties. I like boy cooties. Lukas can be my boyfriend." 

Age 5